College Essay

Q. ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

A. I am a dynamic figure, often scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations

on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up several inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty-minute brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and all my bills are paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliffdiving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees in the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

To my Bengali friends

Thanks to Bambi.

The Bengali Babumoshoi 

With all due regards and profound respects to all and sundry Bengali 

A  is for Awpheesh (as in Office). This is where the average  Kolkakattan 
goes and spends a day hard at work.  And if he works for the 'West Bengal 
 Gawrment'  he will arrive at 10, wipe his forehead till 11, have a  tea 
break at 12, throw around a few files at 12.30, break  for lunch at 1, smoke 
an unfiltered cigarette at 2,  break for tea at 3, sleep sitting down at 4 
 and go home  at 4:30. It's a hard life! 
  
B is for Bhision. For some reason  many Bengalis don't have  good bhision. 
In fact in Kolkata most people are wearing  spectacles all the time. 
  
C is for Chappell (as in Greg).  Currently, this is the Bengali word for the 
 Devil, for the worst form of  evil. In the night  mothers put their kids to 
sleep saying, 'Na ghumaley  Chappell eshey dhorey niye jabe.' (If you don't 
sleep, Chappel will come and take you away!!) 
  
D is for Debashish or any  other name starting with Deb. By an ancient law 
every fourth Bengali  Child has to  be named Debashish. So you have a 
Debashish everywhere  and trying to get creative they are also called  Deb, 
 Debu, Deba with variations like Debanik, Deboprotim,  Debojyoti, etc.. thrown 
in at times. 
  
E is for Eeesh. This is a  very common Bengali exclamation  made famous by 
Aishwarya Rai in the movie Devdas.  It is estimated that on an average a 
 Bengali, especially  Bengali women, use eeesh 10,089 times every year.  'Ei 
Morechhey' is a close second to Eeesh. 
  
F is for Feeesh.  These are creatures that swim in rivers  and seas and are 
a favourite food of the  Bengalis.  Despite the fact that a fish market has 
 such strong smells, with one  sniff a Bengali knows if a fish  is all right. If 
not he will say 'eeesh what feeesh  is theesh!' 
  
G is for Good name. Every Bengali boy will have a  good name like Debashish 
 or Deboprotim and a pet name like Motka,  Bhombol, Thobla, etc. While every 
Bengali girls will  have pet names like Tia, Tuktuki, Mishti, Khuku, etc. 
  
H  is for Harmonium. This the Bengali equivalent of a rock guitar. Take 
 four Bengalis and a Harmonium and you  have the successors to The Bheatles! 
  
I is for lleesh. This is  a feeesh with 10,000 bones which  would kill any 
ordinary person, but which the Bengalis  eat with releeesh! 
  
J is for Jhola. No self respecting Bengali  is complete without  his Jhola. 
It is a shapeless cloth bag where he  keeps all his belongings and he fits 
an amazing number  of things in. Even as you read this there are 2 million 
 jholas bobbling  around Kolkata- and they all look  exactly the same! Note 
that 'Jhol' as in Maachher Jhol  is a close second 
  
K is for Kee Kaando !. It used to be the  favourite Bengali  exclamation 
 till eeesh took over because of Aishwarya Rai (now Kee Kando's agent is 
trying to hire Bipasha  Basu). 
  
L is for Lungi - the dress for all occasions.  People in  Kolkata manage to 
play football and cricket wearing it  not to mention the daily trip in the 
 morning to the local bajaar. Now  there is talk of a lungi expedition to 
Mt. Everest . 
  
M is for Minibus. These are dangerous half  buses whose antics  would 
effortlessly frighten the living daylights  out of all James Bond stuntmen 
 as well as Formula  1 race car drivers. M  is also for Maunkey Cap and 
Maaphler!! 

N is for Nangto. This is  the Bengali word for Naked. It  is the most 
interesting naked word in any language! 
  
O is for  Oil. The Bengalis believe that a touch of mustard oil will cure 
 anything  from cold (oil in the nose),  to earache (oil in the ear), to 
cough (oil on the  throat) to piles (oil you know where!) 
  
P is for Phootball.  This is always a phavourite phassion  of the Kolkattan. 
 Every Bengali is born an expert  in this game. The two biggest clubs there 
are Mohunbagan and East  Bengal and when they play the city comes  to a stop. 
  
Q is for Queen. This really has nothing to do  with the Bengalis or Kolkata, 
 but it's the only Q word one  can think  of. There's also Quilt but they 
never  use them in Kolkata. 
  
R is for Robi Thakur. Many many years ago Rabindranath got  the Nobel 
Prize. This has given the right to all Bengalis  no matter where they are to 
 frame their acceptance  speeches as if they were directly related to  the 
great poet and walk with their head held high. This  also gives Bengalis the 
birthright to look down at  Delhi and Mumbai and of course 'all 
 non-Bengawlees'  ! Note that 'Rawshogolla' comes a close second  ! 
  
S is for Shourav. Now that they finally produced a genuine  cricketer and a 
captain, Bengalis think that he  should be allowed to play until he is 70 
 years old. Of  course they will see to it that he stays in good form  by 
doing a little bit of 'joggo' and 'maanot'. 
  
T is for  Trams. Hundred years later there are still trams  in Kolkata. Of 
 course if you are in a hurry it's faster  to walk. 
  
U is for Aambrela.. When a Bengali baby is born he  is handed one. 
  
V is for Bhaayolence. Bengalis are the  most non-violent  violent people 
 around. When an accident happens  they will fold up their sleeves, shout and 
scream and curse and  abuse, "Chherey De Bolchhi" but the last time someone 
actually hit  someone was in 1947. 
  
W  is for Water. For three months of the year the city is  underwater and 
 every year for the last 200 years the  authorities are taken by surprise by 
this! 
  
X is for X'mas.  It's very big in Kolkata, with ParkStreet fully lit up and 
all Bengalis agreeing  that they  must eat cake that day. 
  
Y is for Yesshtaarday. Which is  always better than today  for a Bengali 
(see R for Robi Thakur). 
  
Z is for Jebra, Joo, Jipper and Jylophone.. 
  
!!!!